Investigative Journalism

It's that time of year again. The time when the weather is just a hint warmer on some days, and if you are really lucky, you hear birds chirping signaling what can only be the near onset of SPRING! As if spring wasn't enough of a hot bowl of awesome in and of itself, there are other spring bonuses that are just icing on the cake. Since I cannot currently enjoy a cold beer on a scenic patio (one of the first rites of Spring), I was pretty jazzed about another spring bonus: Girl Scout Cookie arrival. And since we have two nieces and live in a neighborhood filled to the brim with 6-9 year old girls, you better believe I got my order on this year.

Sure there were disclaimers issued when I was whizzing through the newly revised order form. I heard something about there being "new names" as a result of some bakery change and pesky copyrights or some such nonsense. I couldn't be bothered with these details. I had orders to place, people! You don't get a 9 pound weight gain in one month by resting on your laurels. You have to work at it.

Once the pencil shavings had settled on the order form, I wasn't quite sure what I had ordered, but I didn't really care because I knew I had ordered everything but Trefoils (the Almond Joy of Girl Scout Cookies) and how could I go wrong? They are freaking Girl Scout Cookies.

We picked up our boxes on Sunday. I was pretty excited and downed something called a "Thanks a lot" immediately. It was one of the new offerings and nothing to write home about. I was slightly put off by the name (kept imagining it said in a sarcastic tone) and thought it would seem less smarmy if they had named it "thanks so much" or "you are the best", but I figured those GS people know what they are doing. I was undaunted.

Somehow I skipped consumption of cookies on Monday because I must have been in a coma or something, but I remembered them yesterday when I was working from home and decided to treat myself to a sampler platter. The caramel delites (formerly Samoas) weren't much different, so no problem there. Then I moved on to the "peanut butter sandwiches" (talk about phoning it in on the name, formerly do-si-dos), which were dry and a little gross. To round out my experience, I decided to end on a high note and go with the unchanged, always a winner, Thin Mint.

So that's what disappointment tastes like.

As the room spun around me and I clutched the box of imposter Thin Mints to my chest as I slumped to the floor, I started having flashbacks to Parker talking about this new bakery issue. I really should pay more attention when she speaks; it's not like she's one to go spouting off useless information. I then headed to the computer to figure out what had happened. The results were shocking. SHOCKING!!!

Did you know that Girl Scout cookies have different names in all areas of the country? It's been that way forever. So don't go to Arizona and strike up a conversation about Tagaolongs. They won't know what you are talking about. They are called "Peanut butter cookies" in other necks of the woods. All this confusion is apparently the result of these two bakeries that were used: ABC Bakery and Little Brownie Bakery. What name you got was a result of which bakery the cookies came from. Little Brownie Bakery had the trademarks on all the fun names, and as evidenced by their own bakery name, ABC Bakery had the dumbed-down descriptive names. I guess "Thin Mints" was just dumb enough to make the name suitable for ABC Bakery, resulting in the wide acceptance of that cookie name.

It appears that Little Brownie Bakery is no more and all cookies were produced out of Another Bland Cookie (ABC) bakery this year, resulting in the less than stellar cookie review. Can you handle all this cookie knowledge? I know, it's a lot to take in all at once. All I know is that somehow, the Girl Scouts have managed to generate a cookie that repulses even a pregnant woman, which doesn't bode well for the future of that organization. I am sure I will still eat them, but let the record show that it's under protest.