I put the ASS in "Urban Assault"

As you may recall, Rick and I signed up to participate in St. Louis' Urban Assault Ride, which took place this past Sunday. We got our friends David and Amy to join in on the fun, and we met up on Saturday night to plan our route. During this meeting of the minds, the "rules" of the race were interpreted to mean that we could "be creative" in our methods of getting from one checkpoint to another. Because I am my mother's daughter, this resulted in a devious plan to cheat the system and take the metrolink from the furthest east checkpoint (City Museum) to the westernmost point (REI on Brentwood). However, clearer minds prevailed the next day (no longer emboldened by multiple margaritas) and we realized that the metro was, in fact, motorized transportation and we played it by the book.


Thanks to the world's most difficult quiz, Rick and I had a 2:30 minute starting time advantage over Amy and David. As they are super-cyclists, I think this time advantage was made up by the time Rick and I fully mounted our bikes. The first stop was down by Tower Grove Park, and it involved riding big wheels through an obstacle course. These were no ordinary big wheels though, as they had no braking mechanism. This resulted in Rick and I taking the corners "Tokyo Drift" style. Rick was channeling Vin Diesel hard core at this stop and really did Team Erwin proud (was Vin in Tokyo Drift?).

The next stop was the mystery checkpoint, which we had previously determined to be a statue in City Gardens. They then provided us with the clue for the second mystery checkpoint. Since Rick and I are so generous and loaned our pump to a guy in the parking lot, we already knew the 2nd checkpoint and were able to blaze through this one. As luck would have it, he happened to be staying at the Holiday Inn Forest Park, and that's where the 2nd mystery checkpoint was located. Lucky us!

Amy and David were with us at this point, and remained so for maybe a total of 4 minutes until we reached City Museum. Ricker was wise to not give me too many details of the obstacle at this stop, because it involved either waiting for the elevator to ride to the roof, or taking 11 flights of stairs to the top. As I was with Queen of the Go-getters athlete nutjob extraordinare, Amy (meant in the nicest way possible) and the energizer bunny David, the stairs were the only option. I was fully prepared to wait for the elevator, but that was overruled without discussion. The stairs are a bit of a haze. I think I blacked out around the 7th floor and lost feeling in my legs. I broke into the sunlight of the roof only to find I had to climb....more stairs to get to the top of the slide, which I had to then slide down. Have you ever experienced a slide in sweat-soaked spandex? Not something I recommend, though it did help to slow my descent into what would have certainly been some sort of injury on the bricks at the end of the slide (aforementioned in the Andrew Angeli post).


So now we have to go DOWN the stairs. This is a bit of a blur as well. Amy and David are long gone at this point and I am pretty sure Rick was napping by the time I got down there. He works at that stupid place, so he was used to the stairs, or that's what I keep telling myself. The next stop was Big Shark Bicycles. I should add at this point that Rick and I opted to not wear our cycling shoes with the clipless pedals for fear of (me) wiping out on their slick soles. The only other option was return the flat pedals to the bike that have these straps to put your shoes into (not a great description but hopefully you know what I am talking about). This makes riding a bit more difficult because you can't get as much power on the pedals, and when you are as uncoordinated as I am, you also can't seem to get your left foot into the stinking strap thing, which makes the whole thing a joke.

So needless to say, I am pretty irritated by the time we arrive at Big Shark. The name of this obstacle is "Piggy Back Polo". I would like to punch the inventor of this little game square in the neck. One team member had to "ride" the other team member, all the while holding an elongated mallet and knocking a small soccer ball through a maze of cones. Only the rider could hold the mallet, which resulted in me jamming the handle of the mallet into Rick's chest/chin/neck all the while crushing him with my super-svelt physique. But as always, the Erwins persevered and finished without any major incident or bouts of screaming/name calling. I would like to add here that this task would be excellent for any pre-marriage retreats where you try to get to know your potential mate. I am sure the Ricker was second guessing his decision to not spend a little longer evaluating the more petite end of the dating pool during this little obstacle.

After this, we headed to Mesa Cycles where we had to complete a puzzle. Ricker is awesome at puzzles, so he knocked this one out. Off to REI, which was our last known stop before the final mystery spot, so we were in the home stretch at this point. To give us a little extra boost, who do we see when we round the corner at REI but the HAGEMANNS! As predicted last weekend, Chloe lost her other front tooth and demanded we stop to take a look. They cheered us on and were able to take the two action shot photos of the Erwins on this crazy race:

Rick was the obvious choice for the REI challenge as he is known to regularly roll with the neighborhood kids on his skateboard, sometimes even in this same position. Knowing my luck, one of the pins would snap my ankle or I would run over my own fingers, so I kept myself out of harm's way (for that point, at least). Ricker connecting with the pins.

My excellent form.

We gave our goodbyes to the Hagemanns and plotted a sketchy course for the Holiday Inn. I say sketchy because we were not allowed to ride on Manchester Road or Hampton, both of which would normally be the main two roads I would take to get there. After winding our way through Richmond Heights and Dogtown (thankfully both neighborhoods where I have lived previously), we made it to the Holiday Inn, where we were told to take off our shoes and socks, jump in the pool, and swim to the other end. The "lifeguard" added that we had to leave our helmets on, but to hold the top of them when we jumped in as to not choke ourselves. Thanks for that little tidbit. Glad you are concerned about our safety. Nevermind that the chamois in my shorts is forcing me to sink like a stone...at least I won't choke to death!

The pool was the last official stop and recharged and energized from the cooling dip in the pool, and thrilled with the knowledge that we will make it in before the 12:00 cutoff, we head towards the finish line!

But what would any Kaly Erwin excercise/race story be without an injury report??? Not a good one, according to the universe. As we are riding up Hampton on the sidewalk (sticklers for rules that we are), my back wheel slipped between the grass and the sidewalk and knocked me soundly to my rump. It's amazing how many swear words I can let out in what could only be a nanosecond fall to the concrete. I am one classy lady, as all the pedestrians, drivers, and fellow cyclists in a one mile radius of this incident can attest. I apologize for any children that learned any new words on Sunday; I apparently have injury-induced tourettes. Good news is that there was no damage to my bike, and my butt-ski took the brunt of the fall. We were able to load back up and get to the finish line, where there was one small jump castle (filled to the brim with bodies covered in sweat and blood, hopefully the health department was on speed dial) that we had to navigate through to reach the finish line. Liza (con Chance) and the Hagemanns were there to greet us at the finish.

Here's Chloe without her two front teeth!

Amy and David enjoying the post race festivities.

Ricker 'bout ready to cash in another beer token.

Chloe modeling Parker's new cycling hat.


You can feel the enthusiam oozing off what I like to call this "pity photo".

Did I mention it was hot? Chance is showing us just how hot it was with this photo.

Even an 8 year old can appreciate a true feat of engineering genius.

Chance was a real team player and sported the UAR trucker hat for about a half of a second.

I am still in recovery mode with the hip injury. I am debating on posting photos on here because it really is just that gross that I feel the need to share. I will discuss with my husband and see what he thinks. Right now, the best description I can provide is that it appears that a rotten head of broccolli the size of a basket ball is trying to erupt through the skin on my hip. Yummy!

Sorry for the long post, but it was a long day full of action! See you next year UAR!