Parker's Barbie: A Cautionary Tale

At one point Barbie was fully-limbed with blonde flowing hair. She was Parker's first doll and thanks to some sort of repetitive fidgety motion Parker did when she slept, she was soon known belovedly as "Dreadlock Barbie". But Dreadlock Barbie was hip and edgy! No one would mess with a super skinny chick with dreads. Especially one that was rarely wearing pants.

Dreadlock Barbie, wearing pants and a tasteful midriff-revealing top for the photo

Beware the effects of alcohol, kids.

Then the rubbing continued, and ultimately all hair was lost. But Barbie rocked that look too! She was a hot bald chick and no one batted an eye. Especially sweet Parker, who loved that Barbie. Slowly, over time, limbs started to fall off. Then the head. Not even Barbie and her shiny white smile could hide the shame of that her homemade neck brace and pointy where-her-limbs-used-to-be nubs. I think she started to even scare Parker. Barbie mysteriously disappeared about five years ago, never to be heard from again.

Guess who showed up in a box in the Hagemann basement today??? You guessed it!!! I was so excited when I got the text. But the Elizabeth Smart of barbie dolls does not look good. She appears to have stayed too long at spring break and has the scars to prove it.

SVU Barbie

So while I am a bit nostalgic over prodigal Barbie and am thankful that they mystery of her whereabouts has been resolved, I now see why she went away. She served her time and made a little girl very happy for a long time. Thanks for the years of service, Barbie! I expect you to surface in another 10 years during the next Hagemann basement cleanup effort.