This is Serious Business

I work in an office building. It's nice enough, as office buildings go. But my most frav-rite (to quote a young Chloe Hagemann) thing about the building was our vending machine. It was as if it was stocked by a 16 year old pregnant woman with a case of the munchies. It had a good selection of salty and sweet snacks, with the occasional healthy treat thrown in there (which never got consumed). There were also some canned sodas that were stashed somewhere within the bowels of the machine, but I never messed with that. I am a vending machine purist.

 

There must be a bunch of eaters in this building because you had to move fast on that there vending machine, or else the Twix you were eyeing on your way in the building might be gone come 2:00. For the early part of my pregnancy, it was not uncommon for me to have a two-visit vending machine kind of day.

 

Then one day it was GONE!

 

A gaping hole where my dear, sweet office buddy once was. And part of me died, and part of me thought this was the pregnancy Gods intervening and maybe, just maybe, I might be able to escape this pregnancy with under 100 pound weight gain.

 

Then, just as quickly as it was gone, there was a new vending machine in its place. At first glance, this one seemed fancy and with all that space, certainly could accommodate all the hungry overeaters in this building.

 

And then I looked at the contents.

 

 

THREE ROWS OF DRINKS???????

 

I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but to add insult to injury, there are two rows of bottled water. The same brand of bottled water. Two rows. We HAVE water fountains in this building. What we don't have is a monkey fighting snickers fountain!!!!! I think there's even a Monster Energy Drink in there. I can't be sure because my brain blanked out from fury somewhere around the middle of the second row of drinks. Am I working in a video game development building all of a sudden? Who over the age of 17 drinks that stuff anyway?

And Orange Juice. Because everyone wants their OJ straight from the vending machine.

And the chips. The freaking chips. Eight chip options. Six of which are of the cheddar/nacho/chili cheese variety. That's 6 of 8. Or 3/4ths for those of you that have my advanced math skills (did you know 4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions?-best bumper sticker ever). And because the chips share space with the soda, you have the privilege of having your chips chilled for you. Nothing is quite as refreshing as chilled greasy chips!

ONE candy option. This is where they really get me. Peanut M&Ms. The candy with the most disappointing candy volume to bag size ratio. Two rows of them. It's as if the person that stocked this machine wants everyone in the building to be miserable. If a major law firm in St. Louis that happens to share this machine with me goes under, I think we all know who to blame.

So, in case you can't tell, I am not impressed with this new machine. So much so that I may or may not be penning a strongly worded sticky note for after-hours placement. I told you, this is serious business.